Over the years, I have walked with God to help me heal. One of the greatest steps I ever took was accepting and understanding free will in a sinful world.

One of the biggest questions that people ask when pain comes their way is ‘Why?’ and that can be a very real and very hard question to deal with. We want to understand the circumstances we are put in. I remember being told that God had a plan for everything, that everything worked for the glory of God, and that God was always in control. I strongly believed these things but had trouble with how they related to my painful circumstances. I tried to study God’s word in order to find answers. I wanted to know why God made bad things happen to me and others. I was looking for a logical, biblical reason. The truth is that while God does have control, sets things in motion, and can use all things for His glory, I had to acknowledge free will.

When I was in fifth grade, I began to ask deep questions about scripture to my pastor, Sunday school teachers, and whoever would listen. Usually, I was brushed off because of my young age; however, my church had gotten a new pastor who had looked at my list of questions and decided to take the time to study them. One day, he invited my dad and me to his office, where he did his best to break down each one and sometimes simply said, “I am not sure.” He did not know my reasoning for asking my questions, but he understood that I had the desire to learn. One of the questions I asked was, “Why does God make bad things happen to certain people.” He explained how there is no one answer. Sometimes, it is part of a bigger plan, and sometimes, it is because God created free will, and with free will comes the choice to hurt ourselves and others.

This led me down a study that lasted many years. God wanted us to have the choice to love Him, not to be forced into a relationship, as that would not be real love. He created free will, the ability to make our own choices within the bounds of His creation. With free will comes the ability to truly love God, have deep fellowship, and curiosity to understand His creation. Along with free will also comes the choice to deny God, to act in sin, and to hurt. Free will is a necessary part of Creation that comes with pain.

So, how did this help me? Well, I was able to accept that there might not be a big reason behind my pain. God did not look at me and say, “Ah yes, this young child needs to have some PTSD!” The simple and somewhat sad but also beneficial truth is that sometimes people hurt us simply because sin is in the world, and they have the choice to do so. God can use our pain for His glory, but He did not cause people to hurt us in order to use us later on. God did not hurt me; a human hurt me.

I still have healing to do, but this was a big step for me and genuinely helped. I think that we do not talk about free will enough and the positive and negative implications of it. I think that while God can use all things for His glory, when you talk to someone who has trauma and pain, it is important to let them know that God cries with them, and He did not make men do bad things, but man chose to do bad things because they chose to deny God.